Amazing first date? Check. Post-first date texts and calls ongoing? Check. Second date scheduled? CHECK! Butterflies in your stomach? Check. Congratulations! The only problem now is trying to figure...
9 Tips for Lesbians Dating a Cougar
By: Kim Baker
Age is just a number.
You’re only as old as you feel.
Regardless of your favorite platitude about age, dating brings up some good opportunities to examine our own judgments about age differences in relationships. A cougar in lesbian dating is when a middle-aged woman seeks a relationship with a younger woman. Here are 9 tips for dating a cougar.
1. Be yourself
It might be tempting, when dating a hot older woman to feel as though you’re lacking in life experiences and to let insecurity creep in. The biggest antidote to insecurity is confidence that is rooted in knowing and accepting who we are.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate
Communication is crucial for emotional intimacy. When dating a cougar, it is especially important to communicate your needs, feelings, dreams, and fears. Since you may be at different points in your lives, it’s crucial to share your world with your cougar so that you stay connected.
3. Accept differences as a strength
It’s easy to focus on differences when dating an older woman: she knows songs you’ve never heard of or has experiences that you simply can’t relate to. One way to build emotional intimacy is to accept differences as a strength by appreciating opportunities to hear a bit about her and history through her eyes.
4. Don’t get caught up in others’ opinions
There will likely be skeptics about your partnership with your cougar. Pessimism, protectiveness, and even disinterest may be present among your friends and family due to your age disparity. But over time, if she is the one for you, loved ones will begin to see age as just another characteristic of her, rather than the defining trait.
5. Stay focused on you
Dating a cougar may make you particularly prone to losing track of your own hobbies and goals as her career may be in a different place than yours and it can feel like her “stuff” is more important. But losing ourselves in relationships never serves the relationship and is not sustainable. Keeping focused on your own habits, goals, friends, and hobbies can help stave off this tendency, making the relationship healthier overall.
6. Keep growing
In life, we’re all on a growth trajectory of some kind: physical, mental, spiritual, emotional. Age differences may make variation in our location on that trajectory more visible, but it’s good to think about continuing to grow as a person, regardless of where you are now. Continuing to grow also increases intimacy.
7. Accept history
When dating a cougar, part of reality is that she’s had a lot of life before you. At times, it may feel like you have missed out on many new experiences together. Another way to look at it is that she has learned many lessons about herself and about relationships that she will be able to apply to your relationship, making it better overall.
8. Honor your own experience
One of the best things about dating a cougar is learning about her experiences as an older lesbian, who maybe came from a different culture or time period in history. It is also important to honor your own experiences and to accept that while they are different, neither is more real or more important than the other.
9. Identify red flags
It may be harder to identify red flags in a relationship with a cougar as you may attribute issues to age difference alone. It is good to differentiate between regular relationship stuff and red flags that tell you this relationship is not the one for you. Look for basic pillars like trust, respect, passion, communication, and intimacy. Dating a cougar, like all dating, can be tricky. Be sure to follow these 9 tips to make dating a cougar fabulous.