Why You Should Date a Divorcé
By Laurel House
As painful, disappointing, love-questioning, and fantasy-deflating as a divorce can be, it can also be a very beneficial thing when it comes to your next go-round. Yes, there are perks to dating a divorcé. That is IF the divorcé has done the following:
- Is out of the “fun” zone.
- Accepted responsibility for their contributions to the dissolution.
- Has done the self work (be it through therapy, a dating coach, reading books about breakups) to extract the lessons in order to be a more evolved and better partner next time, and is ready to get serious again.
- Has healed (not hardened or become jaded).
Yes, they may have made some mistakes in their last marriage. And if they took the time to be at all introspective, they shouldn’t be considered damaged goods. Experience can be a good thing! Here’s why:
- They may have been hurt and have a bit of baggage- which is great! Someone who has been hurt knows what it feels like, and may therefore be more aware of your feelings.
- Divorcés tend to understand what it’s like to be in a committed relationship within which there are compromises and accommodations. Their resistance may have already been broken down by another partner so that you don’t have to endure the push back yourself.
- Divorcés tend to be better communicators IF they went to therapy during the marriage, if not after, they should have become fairly proficient at communicating needs and feelings more clearly.
- They just “get” you. That’s because they’re experienced and dealt with more attitudes, moods, issues, and emotions. With experience often comes understanding.
That said, a divorcé may also be jaded, not trusting, mean, a bad person, angry, feeling broken, not interested in compromise, set in their rigid ways, or over the whole commitment concept and just looking to have some no-strings-attached fun.
So how do you know if your divorcé of interest is in the better-because-of-it or in-no-shape-to-commit boat? Ask!
Communicate your relationship purpose- there are 3 basic purposes: 1- fun, 2- self exploration, 3- serious committed relationship.
It’s ok to talk about the divorce. Don’t interrogate, but do ask what happened and why. I’m not saying that you should pry, but you do want and need to know what you’re getting into, what state their head and heart is currently in, and where you potentially fit within it.
Regardless of a person’s relationship experience, communication is key. You don’t need to be transparent, but you do need to be open and honest- first with yourself, then with your partner as to what your needs, thoughts, purpose, and past are. We have all lived, loved, succeeded, and screwed up. The question is: have you learned from your past and changed for your future?
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