Why You Absolutely SHOULD Talk About Your Ex on a 1st Date
By Laurel House
Talking about your exes can surprisingly be an incredibly revealing good thing on an online first date. More than revealing your past, it also can set the standard of expectation for your future and even make your date feel good about themselves. How? Because let’s be honest — if you dated a rock star, billionaire, head of a company, and model . . . then you’re dating this guy, you are pretty much elevating his status in his mind. You can get all of them, but you are choosing him!? Instant ego booster. Simultaneously, you are motivating him to step it up a notch—which can be a good thing.
Specific and strategic dating questions will let you know who they are, how they became that person, and what their dating purpose is. All of which you want to know on a first date.
The key to the ex talk is that you both reveal. Once you bring up your ex, encourage him to chime in about his, that way all that you revealed and the insight he potentially gained, will be revealed from him, too.
Here are some more tips and surprising facts about online dating.
But before going on and on about how amazing your ex was in bed and how you’re pretty sure he was the love of your life, or what a shitty guy he was and how you’re all but ruined because of him
Here are a few do’s and don’ts.
DO talk about the most interesting men you have dated
But don’t go on and on. Brush strokes are essential in order to avoid making him feel jealous, annoyed, or not worthy
DO express regrets and share pain points, but explain that you learned from those experiences and are better because of them.
DON’T sound jaded, broken, bitter, or angry.
DON’T talk as though you’re still in love with him.
DON’T go into things that no guy wants to hear about . . . ever—your sex life.
DON’T mention things that you wouldn’t want to get back to your ex.
How do you bring up the ex talk?
Say, “You seem like a pretty amazing guy. What girl let you go so that I got to go out with you tonight?"
“It’s amazing how much we learn from past relationships. I know I have made mistakes in the past. Even from breakups that left me broken-hearted, I still was able to extract the good and have takeaway that made me better and strong and more ready this time around. What did you learn in your last relationship?"
So what types of ex stories do you go into?
If you want a second date, leave out the sob story about your horrible ex or, conversely, how much you miss them because they were so perfect. That being said, talking about an ex can be an incredibly useful tool in allowing you to better understand one another and develop a much deeper connection.
I'm divorced and have been for seven years; there's a very high likelihood my marriage is going to be a first date topic. It made me who I am today and helped me discover exactly what I need in a relationship and what I don't.
Everyone has a history. Fact! Your history typically reveals a lot about you as a person and there's no reason that can't be a good thing. The most important thing is to use your relationship with an ex as a springboard for positive conversation. Discuss some of the mistakes you both made and what intuitive life lessons you've learned as a result. Your stories will serve two functions: Allowing your date to better understand who you are and where you've come from, and that you've moved a little more well versed from the ordeal.
For those of you out there afraid to mention or those too willing to talk about your ex remember it can be a great addition to a first date if you follow these key points:
No non-sequiturs, don't force it into conversation if it's not already moving in that direction.
Don't bring an ex up with the intention of having a pity party, it won't help your cause.
It's not a competition of who had the better/worse ex-experience so no one upping necessary.
Remember to frame your story in a positive light and complete it with a lesson learned.
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