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Why Chemistry on a First Date Might Be a Bad Thing
Your pulse starts to race, your face is flushed, your nerves stand on end and you feel, what you swear, is a magnetic pull to his lips from the moment you shake his hand, make eye contact, or even just from the second you see him. When you kiss him it feels like you’re taking a drug. You’re dizzy, almost high. Your chemistry is off the charts. But on a first date, that might not be a good thing.
Chemistry is that Feeling of—“In Love”
I know, as intoxicating and tempting as it may be, the problem with chemistry is that you can be gravitationally pulled to the wrong person. It’s like a drug. In fact, chemistry triggers the brain in the same location as cocaine. It also triggers a similar physical reaction: the feeling of angst, sweaty palms, nervousness, a racing heart, crazy obsessive thoughts . . . wait, how is this a good thing again?
Here’s the other interesting fact: it has been shown that chemistry wears off within 18–36 months. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Most couples are married within the 18–36 month threshold—essentially under the influence of chemistry, and they didn’t take the time to get to know each other on levels deeper than the intoxicating rush before making the “till death” vow. Then the drugs wear off and these two people suddenly wake up, look at each other, and realize “I don’t know you, and what I do know, I don’t like.”
There is a Difference Between Chemistry and Intimacy
Intimacy is “love” and it develops and grows over time. It also endures. It is formed on a deeply rooted foundation of trust, understanding, honesty, and authenticity. Intimacy is the commitment to the commitment. That’s not to say that you can’t have both.
Love May be Blind, but Chemistry is Blinding
The danger of falling for just chemistry is that you are blinding yourself to the red flags, ignoring the danger signs, and choosing to overlook the fact that this guy is not good for you. He may even be bad for you. He is a trap, a test, a ploy to see if you fall for the wrong guy again, or if you are ready to take responsibility; be “on-purpose”- meaning moving towards your goal or purpose, when it comes to your hopes, dreams, and future; and build a relationship with a man who is not only good for you and treats you well, but a man you need and want.
If you’re sick of being treated like shit, then stop succumbing to the superficial pull of the bad boys who don’t adore you, don’t make you a priority, and don’t want a future with you; and start focusing on opening your heart to true and deep love with good guys who will not just treat you right, but amazingly well.
Now, I’m not saying that you should shut down your sexual needs with Mr. Magnetic and settle for “Mr. Right” just because he’s a good guy and he’s crazy for you. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t fall for the quick fix, the instant high, the bad guy who will slay your heart and trap you in a drug-like state of fantasy.
So What Are You Supposed to Do? Pre-Qualify
By pre-qualifying your dates first, you have the opportunity to really get to know a guy before you go out with him, thereby affording yourself the opportunity to see if he has the potential of being a true match—one who is good for you, good to you, and who you’re attracted to (it just might be a more gradual and less intense—at first. Build.). Or if he is made of red flags but just—and I really do mean that he’s “just,” as in only—so damn sexy.
That guy, the “so damn sexy” guy who is bad for you and who you know from the get-go is never going to be able to be the guy you need despite the fact that you want him right now, is who you really should immediately knock off your list of potentials and not go out with. Because if you do, you risk getting wrapped up in the ecstatic rapture of just chemistry and you are pretty much postponing your purpose: to find true and deep and real love and intimacy.